nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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