I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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