we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm like, not good at living.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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