I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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