I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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