Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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