when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There's always time for handjobs
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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