So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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