life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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