Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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