i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
