I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
