Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
