walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
