I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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