just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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