i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
