My Higher Power is John Stamos
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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