i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
