i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize