id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
