My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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