Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
