so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
