Define "chronic" masturbator.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
