so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
