News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
