Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
