Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize