Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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