I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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