he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
well you can't waste a boner
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
