I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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