do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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