Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
