Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
