So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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