Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
