i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Randomize
