oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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