Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
