the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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