she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
