I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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