Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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