Please, let me fuck your mom
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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