Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
