Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
