omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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