this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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