This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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