matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize