WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
