I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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