i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
