chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
