woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Bring me that man meat
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
