Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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