Betty ford says i'm here all night
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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