If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
