She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
